Family Crib Services 2018

Family Crib Services, Monday 24 December 2018:
2pm St Peter & St Paul, Lavenham
3pm Holy Trinity, Long Melford
4pm St Mary’s, Hadleigh

A rite of passage for many children and a source of contention for their parents – it’s primary school Nativity time once again. Either considered a chance to shine or a necessary evil (much like sports day), the casting of the annual play can cause tensions in the classroom.


Here’s what your school Nativity character says about your child:


The teacher’s pet, Mary is often the class’s prettiest, most pleasant girl. Rivals note that playing Mary requires little more than emanating beatitude. A Labrador could do it. Louder-than-average voice for a five-year-old. Not averse to blue or holding hands with boys. Parents likely to contribute to school funds in a significant way.


He leads Mary around the stage, so this role is given to dependable boys. They dine out on their starring role well into their teens. Always does his homework and gets at least 9/10. Definitely going to be a prefect. Quite quiet but also somehow annoying. Will grow up to found an app that will make him a millionaire.


The Gordon Brown of primary school drama – a swot, good at remembering lines, but lacking the personality to be a Joseph or a King. Narrators grow increasingly resentful as they grow up, feeling that they are often punished for their competence. The one who organises all the social engagements. Loves the sound of their own voice. Ends up doing everything because they don’t trust anyone else to do it right. Bossy!


Underrated but perhaps the real star. Extrovert with a gift of the gab, who is sure to be head boy.


Absolute lad. Mad for the bants. Sometimes a bit naughty but really just a cry for attention. Pretends not to enjoy wearing a tea towel on head, secretly loves it. Dependable sorts, shepherds lack the flair of kings, but without shepherds, society would collapse.


Wise man/king
Kings yearn to be centre stage, and inwardly plot how to do away with their rival royals. Later, they will go out with Angels, settle down with a Mary. Well-behaved, top-of-the-class type (who can be trusted with an expensive-looking prop). An introspection and dignity that translates to a sombre, thoughtful expression when e.g. presenting gifts to a baby. Good sense of direction, i.e. when following stars.


Cheeky. Can be a bit of an ass at times. Thinks they’re too cool to take the play seriously but secretly loves being an important part of the story.


Angel Gabriel
Often a tall, bossy girl, teachers fear them, and refuse to make them head girls out of revenge.


Angel in the background with no real role
Craves attention, constantly disappointed. Jealous of other people’s success. Rebellious in the face of obscurity. Capable of entertaining themselves for hours with a piece of tinsel that “fell off” the halo.


Thinks they got the role because of their star quality. Actually just because they’re too nervous to speak in front of mean parents. Team player. Suitable for a child with no natural ability yet with a capacity to hold centre stage. Stars make great MPs.


Oh dear. The sheep is simply there to add numbers. The teacher is saying your poppet is fit only to follow in others’ footsteps.


Blade of grass, lobster or similar
Evidently, there are too many children in the class. Inform Ofsted immediately.

A combination of two articles first published in The Independent (01/12/2017) and The Daily Mail (15/12/2009).